avoidance (or a lesson in holding on to empty space.)

I am an anxious avoidant.

As much as I tell people to lean into the discomfort of the things that feel foreign or new, I recognize that it is hypocritical of me to not address my own pink elephant.

I am terrified of leaning into intimacy and joy because a part of me still believes I’m not worthy of it.

I was sitting in my therapist’s office a few months ago with this revelation recognizing that the core of this hasn’t truly changed since the last time I sat across from someone and talked about my feelings. Both of us were exhausted and this revelation came as a wall of bricks that came crashing down at the worst possible time.

I have known for the longest time that I have a tendency to overcompensate in how I show up with others in an attempt perhaps to gain favour or live the notion that “if I was nice, they will care” but knowing deep down in doing the work that it’s not on me.

I can’t make anyone like, let alone love me.

That’s where the space comes in. The space that was and the space that will be. The empty space that most avoidants know to exist as the space between us and them. From the people we are afraid of hurting or breaking along the way, who may in fact be the best thing to ever happen to us, to the people we replay old scripts with hoping they would change, who will end up hurting and breaking us along the way.

Perhaps because of my childhood I’ve never really learnt to close the loop on my friendships that have soured. I am a master of friendships of convenience, and as I’ve wrestled with choosing and pursuing more authentic relationships, I’ve come to recognize that the work begins with me.

As I unravel the many parts of me, I have made peace knowing that I will make my mistakes and I will not be a safe space for everyone, and I don’t ever want to choose to be.

Perhaps it’s selfish to say that it’s okay on the road to becoming, but sometimes that is inevitable. As much as it is my nature to want to please everyone it genuinely is not my place to.

I can’t placate others and loose myself at the same time. I can only be responsible for my feelings and be accountable to my actions.

We can’t put a life jacket on others if we don’t know how to put on one ourselves. We will loose relationships we’d thought would stay, and find comfort in those we least expect. Those who choose us not because it is easy but because of the joy and love we bring to one another. The people who love us when we would rather not love ourselves are our people.

I have learnt to lean into those relationships and those who say “we’ll figure it out” more than the people who say “you keep doing this” and in turn attempt to return the favour to others who are further behind on the journey.

We can’t choose to distract ourselves with the things that could be and may be, because it takes away from the things that are. We are better than choosing to live in our own delusions.